TORCH LAKE, MI – Famed filmmaker and gelatinous force of raging hypocrisy Michael Moore has threatened to eat North Carolina unless it agrees to allow men into women’s restrooms by high noon on Monday.
“The way that North Carolina is imposing its morality upon others is just disgusting,” raged the multi-multi-millionaire who has made many fortunes by crafting and selling movies on the evils of capitalism. “And if North Carolina doesn’t cave completely to my demands to obliterate gender distinctions and let men into women’s restrooms, I’m literally gonna eat the whole sorry state for lunch!”
The threat to eat the entire state was issued after Moore’s initial promise not to show his new film in North Carolina was met with parades and celebratory proclamations throughout Tar Heel country.
“When we heard that Michael Moore was going to withhold his new film from North Carolina theaters as a way of ‘punishing’ us for not allowing men into women’s restrooms, it just made me want to do cartwheels and throw a parade,” said Raleigh resident and homemaking mother of five Jennifer Lansing. “And apparently that sentiment was shared by many, since we are actually going to have parades all across the state on Saturday to celebrate Michael Moore’s promise to keep his new movie away from the people of North Carolina. Keeping men out of women’s restrooms and getting Michael Moore films kept out of the state at the same time is like the ultimate two-for-one deal. God is good!”
Parade plans and rippling waves of joy sweeping the Carolina landscape only enraged the gigantic advocate for sexual chaos all the more, with Moore placing a ticking “countdown to Monday lunch” clock on his website and regularly obsessing over North Carolina’s lack of submission via social media.
“You WILL let men into women’s restrooms, North Carolina,” Moore fumed this morning via Twitter. “You WILL do as I demand!”
“And if you fail to comply, we’ll see how many parades you’re having after I’ve personally eaten and digested every backwards, religious and intolerant hick and hayseed in the land!”
“So choose wisely, North Carolina! I’m a VERY hungry man…who demands to be allowed into women’s restrooms!”
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