WASHINGTON, DC – In anticipation of the apocalyptic plagues that are surely right around the corner for a nation openly and proudly at war with the Creator of the universe, the White House has attempted to get ahead of the narrative by preemptively blaming all forthcoming apocalyptic events of any kind on global warming.
“We just want everyone to know that whatever fantastically bizarre, unbelievably surreal plagues or nightmarish, psyche-shattering disasters befall America in the coming months and years, it’s all due to global warming,” noted White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest calmly at a West Wing press conference over the weekend. “Just remember that when you see storms of fire-breathing toads falling from the sky or the Potomac turning to blood: It’s all because of global warming.”
When asked why this approach was being taken now rather than earlier or later in President Obama’s tenure at the White House, Earnest explained that things have changed so much so quickly and are soon about to get so much worse that now was the perfect time to blame everything bad that’s about to happen on global warming.
“What with the gay marriage thing and the transgender Nazi thing and the Obamacare thing coming on the heels of the satanic public schools thing, the Marxist Social Security thing, and the Orwellian perpetual war and obliteration of privacy things; and with Trump/Clinton right around the corner, we just thought it best to go ahead and get prepped for the waves of cultural, economic, sexual, educational, legal and spiritual chaos and insanity that are about to wash over this utterly unrepentant, proud nation known as America,” added Earnest nonchalantly with a shrug of his shoulders before taking a sip of water at the podium. “After all, if there is a God, how could we not expect the full force of His judgment to soon fall upon every aspect of the culture and civilization we’ve worked so hard to keep from submitting to His will?”
“Just remember: When that crushing judgment finally comes, as we all know it will…it’s all because of global warming.”
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