CLEVELAND, OH – With Republicans gathering in Cleveland to formally coronate Donald Trump as their nominee for President, officials charged with running the GOP convention are confirming that the whole show will, as expected, completely center on raw emotional appeals to pride and patriotism while dutifully avoiding repentance and submission to God.
“Oh yeah, we’re all about American pride here,” explained GOP Convention Manager Kip Clueless during an interview this morning on Fox News. “We Republicans are absolutely committed making America great again based on the wildly unbiblical approaches that have given us everything from legally protected porn and abortuaries to legally enabled gay marriage and divorce on demand. If we don’t stand firm now to protect our liberty to murder children for convenience or our freedom to open a strip club in one of the absolutely amazing casinos with our nominee’s name on it, then we will surely lose these culture-defining liberties that have made America the shining gem of goodness that she is today.”
When asked about the concerns of many American Christians who have abandoned the Republican Party during its dramatic plunge into open godlessness in recent years, GOP officials seemed confused as to why the same old vague claims of Christianity weren’t working so much anymore to bring in evangelicals to support candidates like Mitt Romney and Donald Trump.
“Honestly, I have no idea what to say to those people other than to blame them for giving us Barack Obama,” charged Clueless in addressing Christians who refused to support Romney and the even larger number who will not support Trump. “If they don’t get with the program, they’ll be the ones responsible for giving us President Hillary Clinton.”
“This whole ‘repent and submit to Jesus’ thing is insanity. It has no place in politics and government. It’s not part of the real world. Do these people really, truly believe that America has to repent and submit to Jesus in order to survive?”
“If so, the GOP is definitely not the place for them.”
“And besides, with our aggressive new outreach to the LGBTQ community, we should be able to replace whatever wacko Christians walk out the door with true liberty- and freedom-loving perverts who are on the same page that we are.”
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