DALLAS, TX – According to a report co-authored by experts monitoring practically every area of life in the United States, American culture is suffering from “acute, very late stage testicular cancer” that will, barring a miraculous turnaround, “almost certainly lead to a quick and pathetic death”.
The report cites various mountains of largely undisputed evidence in support of its diagnosis.
“We can’t even refer to the biological sex or skin color of a person without hordes of unhinged college students shrieking like little girls and wetting themselves while making a mad dash for the nearest safe space,” explained retired Army Captain J.D. Obvious, who contributed to the report. “If anyone even suggests that maybe, just maybe, men and women are actually different and that, dare I say it, society needs men who are manly in the classic sense, well, all hell breaks loose.”
“So yeah, we’re in a very bad place and, unless there’s a miraculous turnaround, it’s going to get much worse very quickly,” continued Captain Obvious. “When insisting that a male is a male is considered ‘hate speech’ and the feelings of the fruitiest, most delusional, self-absorbed people in society trump the most basic of objective realities, we’re pretty much done.”
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