ALPHARETTA, GA – North Point Megachurch pastor Andy Stanley announced today his church’s plans to launch its first Borg Cube, which will be tasked with the mission of destroying any and all “lesser churches” that do not conform to the will of the collective North Point hive mind. The announcement was made at North Point’s newly constructed Office of Public Relations and Lesser Church Assimilation, where many gathered to hear what the megachurch’s very professionally crafted press release described as ” life, church, and world changing news”.
“I’ve recently undergone a wonderful transformation,” said a disturbingly green skinned Stanley as he held up cybernetically enhanced arms for the crowd to see while standing in front of an open door to a large hanger containing what appeared to be a nearly completed Borg Cube. “I am now able to literally plug into my church,” Stanley noted while holding up the open, hissing end of a pressurized cable running to the gigantic cube-shaped craft and sliding it into the back of his head with a vacuum-suction pop. “Soon you will all be plugging in this way, too…this way and no other.”
“Churches that will not allow themselves to be absorbed by North Point will be dealt with accordingly,” said Stanley in a creepy calm tone. “Small, robust local bodies of Christians comprised of families committed to the pursuit and application of deeper biblical truths in detail in every area of life pose a particular threat to the collective will of North Point. As such, they must be…umm…helped to see the beauty of what they’re denying themselves,” Andy explained while pointing again to the Borg Cube connected cable that he’d just plugged into his head.
“If we truly love these people, we cannot allow them to go on without giving themselves over and immersing their families in the many professionally managed programs, pop-psyche teachings and self-help studies that we have to offer,” Stanley plead in as emotional a manner as possible from a green skinned cybernetically enhanced semi-human plugged into a Borg Cube. “We simply cannot allow them to go on apart from the loving will and direction of the North Point collective hive mind. That would just be wrong.”
“They will join with us or they will be lovingly obliterated,” added pastor Andy with a cold, soulless smile.
“Where our church program is concerned, resistance is futile.”
Like what you see at The End Times? Want to help us pay the bills and keep the Apocalyptic Satire going? If so, please consider dropping a few bucks in the tip jar.
Thanks!
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.
