TOPEKA, KS – Former Westboro Baptist street-preaching granny Mable Underwood, with her sidewalk evangelism opportunities having dried up significantly since the passing of hate-gang leader Fred Phelps, has found new hope and purpose after being hired as the main entrance greeter at her favorite Topeka area Walmart Super Center.
“She’s a natural,” boasted Walmart Assistant Manager Carol Haney, who made the final decision to hire the gritty and determined Ms. Underwood. “You just put whatever you want on a sign, slide it into her hand, and she’ll hold it without flinching for hours. She’s a natural!”
Former hate-mob buddies describe Mable as “rejuvenated” by the hire and are glad to see her doing something useful, even if it’s not quite as productive as telling everyone within earshot that they’re going straight to hell.
“I’m so very thankful to have this wonderful new job,” noted a jubilant Ms. Underwood while picking up her new customized Welcome to Walmart sign and preparing to start her afternoon shift. “It’s such a blessing!”
“And, when you think about it, carrying a sign welcoming people to Walmart isn’t all that different from carrying one welcoming them to hell.”
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