NEW YORK, NY – Trump University, the scam-laden pseudo-school sued out of existence in 2010, was re-launched in dramatic style over the weekend at a lavish event hosted by Donald Trump at Trump Tower, in which The Donald explained that the revamped version of Trump U would specialize in offering degrees aimed at “owning evangelicals”.
In an effort to rebuild its obliterated reputation by re-launching with a “can’t miss” product, Trump explained that the new version of Trump U would be steering clear of the dangerously unpredictable real estate market and instead focus on what it considers to be the incredibly predictable and “effortlessly manipulated” American evangelical voter market.
“I love the evangelicals, and the evangelicals love me!” boasted Trump during a brief address to a capacity crowd of wannabe political types who desperately want to own the evangelical vote while openly repudiating practically every core tenant of biblical Christianity in their approach to business, economics, law, politics and pretty much everything else. “As we all know, I have acquired this love from millions of evangelicals despite the fact that I’m about as openly unrepentant, proud, and anti-Christ in my approach to business, art, politics and everything else I can think of, so I ask you this: Who has more obviously mastered the art of owning evangelicals than me?”
“Nobody, that’s who.”
“So when I say that I am willing to share with you some of my most proven and valuable secrets to evangelical Christian manipulation for the modest sum of $25,000 down and $1,000 a month for the rest of your politically active life, you can bet that you are going to soon have total and complete control over the minds, hearts, and vital campaign-supporting dollars of millions and millions of American evangelicals,” added Trump confidently as a Trump U official stood off to his right, smirking and rolling his eyes in disbelief while Jerry Falwell, Jr. occasionally peeked up from between them to adoringly wave a ‘Trump 2016’ sign above their heads. “Just as soon as your $25,000 check clears, of course.”
When asked if there is any truth to persistent rumors that James Dobson will be coming on board as the new President of Trump U, The Donald would neither confirm nor deny Dobson’s involvement, though he did admit that the evangelical icon was “high on the list” of potential candidates to run Trump University.
“After the way James so graciously tried to cover for me by telling the evangelicals that I had ‘accepted Jesus’ in some vague way, but that they shouldn’t expect much from me at all in any practical, measurable sense because I’m just a poor little baby Christian, he’s definitely proven himself to be Trump U President material, I can tell you that much right now.”
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