LONDON, ENGLAND – With millions of evil globalist elitists left jolted and stunned alongside tens of millions of thoroughly confused evangelical Christian dispensationalists following Britain’s surprising decision to leave the European Union (EU), desperate leaders from both groups have come together to beg Britain to “come back home to Momma EU”.
In an effort to more effectively grovel, beg, and woo Britain back into the loving arms of the EU, the two groups have agreed to co-sponsor a three hour infomercial to run this Sunday evening on BBC, helpfully sandwiched between reruns of the wildly popular Sherlock series featuring Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman.
The program will be co-hosted by Hal Lindsey, the world famous Christian evangelical dispensationalist responsible for the production of such best-selling and horribly unbiblical works as Rapture, Blood Moon, The Terminal Generation, and The 1980s: Countdown to Armageddon, many of which centered on the notion of the EU being destined to dominate a large portion of the globe, facilitate war on Israel, and produce a world-ruling Antichrist leading right up to the apocalypse.
Lindsey will be joined by the more sober-minded and rational Dr. Evil, the legendary global domination obsessed mad doctor responsible for numerous twisted, diabolical plots to rule and/or ruin the world in a manner appreciated by many in the modern elite globalist movement.
“I don’t know how else to put this, my dear, sweet, beautiful Britain,” Lindsey pleads in a quivering voice as tears stream down his face in a recently released teaser trailer promoting Sunday’s Please Don’t Leave Us This Way!!! program. “But I can’t live without you in the European Union. Literally. I’ve built my everything around your being in the EU. Please don’t take it all away from me!”
“What little is left of my credibility as a thinker, theologian, and commentator will simply evaporate if you don’t come on home to where we both know you really belong, so please, PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME,” added Lindsey while beginning to choke up. “Please just come on back home and settle into the happy, comfy, loving arms of the Anti-Christ birthing, apocalypse ushering EU.”
“Please.”
“Pretty please,” Lindsey added through increasingly violent sobs.
“PLEEEEEEEEAASE!”
“Yes, I cannot help but concur with the clearly confused ‘Christian leader’ here by my side,” added Dr. Evil while making air-quote signs around the words “Christian leader”.
“If for no other reason, please come back to the EU so that good men like this will be able to continue producing such fabulous, insightful works as The 1980s: Countdown to Armageddon,” Evil added before launching into a fit of diabolical laughter until tears began to stream down his face as well.
“Yeah, ’cause we really need more of those!”
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