CHICAGO, IL – Homeland Security officials working diligently to maintain the security and integrity of our transportation system have confirmed that neither Al-Qaeda nor ISIS have any agents or incendiary devices hiding in the pants of several randomly chosen elderly American citizens who were “fully inspected” earlier today.
“Nope, no Al-Qaeda in here!” exclaimed Chester Crabb, a TSA agent working at Chicago’s busy O’Hare International Airport, after finishing a rear body cavity search of a randomly chosen US citizen who had hoped in vain to escape the violence-riddled hellhole of Chicagoland without being violated by some sort of thug. “You can move along now, but you might want to leave your pants down for the next security inspection. It’s just easier that way.”
Crabb, who was relieved to be hired by the TSA after a long stretch of unemployment coming on the heels of a brief stint at Burger King, expressed great enthusiasm for his new position of power and authority over others, many of whom had not “properly appreciated” him back in his Burger King days.
“Protecting the safety, security, dignity and privacy of American citizens is just so important, you know,” Chester added. “I mean, how can we maintain our freedom and dignity as Americans if we don’t bend over on command when State employees like me say so?”
“That’s just the price of freedom, you know?”
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