CHAPPAQUA, NY – The Hillary Clinton campaign has confirmed that the former Secretary of State and current Democrat Party nominee for President has had two “kickstand like devices” surgically installed in order to help her remain in an upright, standing position. The kickstands, placed just above each of Mrs. Clinton’s cankles, are hoped to provide the basic stability necessary to sustain her increasingly sickly, convulsing and collapsing frame through the closing weeks of the presidential campaign.
“We’re hopeful that this will do the trick,” explained a mysterious, unnamed Clinton medical aide while prepping one of a dozen or so constantly on hand EpiPens in anticipation of Mrs. Clinton’s next seizure. “We have just fifty days or so to go. Anything we can do to literally prop up this profoundly unhealthy woman for just a little longer is a really big help.”
“Between the EpiPens, smelling salts, knee braces, back brace, and fully hydraulic remote controlled artificial arms, I think we’re finally getting close to having what we need to push this amazing, visionary Progressive icon over the finish line.”
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