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American Christians Thrilled To Finally Have A Republican Lead The Country To Hell

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WASHINGTON, DC – With only hours remaining before Donald Trump parts the Potomac and walks across the dry riverbed floor en route to his inauguration, tens of millions of conservative Christians are gleefully counting down the closing minutes of the Obama Administration.

Thousands of evangelicals have even traveled to the nation’s capital to join in massive rallies celebrating the transition of power from a proud, openly unrepentant, LGBTQ movement embracing, marriage defiling, vice peddling, Big Government Statist Democrat to a proud, openly unrepentant, LGBTQ movement embracing, marriage defiling, vice peddling, Big Government Statist Republican.

“I can hardly believe it’s really about to happen! It’s just too good to be true! This is the miracle that we’ve all been praying for!” exclaimed Sherry Johnson, a devoted Republican and TBN staffer who made the trek to DC to cheer on Mr. Trump as well as her favorite televangelist preacherette, Paula White, who has been chosen by the President-elect to lead prayer at his inauguration. “I just know that with good Christian people like pastor Paula at his side, the Lord is really gonna bless us and make America great again!”

“It’s the next best thing to having Jesus himself as President,” added Jim Farmer, a Baptist deacon and recently retired veteran who served in several unbiblical wars and hopes to see America’s already gigantic military substantially enlarged under President Trump, no matter the debt burden to future generations of increasingly State-dependent Americans. “We have to be ready to fight large scale wars with Russia and China at the same time, of course, and we definitely have to deal with Iran. The way they put their country right in the middle of all those military bases we built on the other side of the world with our hard earned, taxpayer fleeced dollars is practically like begging us to bomb ’em back to the stone age.”

“And if they even look funny at Israel…” Farmer added before joining in a group chant of “U! S! A!” with a nearby crowd gathered to cheer on the building of as many walls as necessary to protect their favorite American socialist welfare state programs from being abused by aliens.

“Our long national nightmare is almost over!” added Mabel Stevenson, an elderly Republican precinct worker and retired public school teacher who traveled from her home in Florida to join the festivities. “After eight years of socialism under Obama, we finally have a man coming in who will protect Social Security, strengthen State-run public schools, and replace Obamacare with a Republican version of government-managed healthcare! Thank God for Donald Trump!”

President-elect Trump’s multiple divorces and remarriages; his open and unrepentant boasting of adultery over many decades; his peddling of vice on a massive scale in pursuit of personal profit; and his open acceptance of the LGTBQ agenda seems to have done little to phase the hordes of rabid evangelicals gathered to cheer him on today.

“Look, he’s not named Clinton, he’s not named Obama, and he’s not a Democrat. These three facts alone made him the obvious choice for Christians in November,” explained Herb Lemming, a 42-year-old shoe store manager and Sunday School teacher from Atlanta. “So what if he’s a proud, unrepentant, biblically illiterate serial adulterer who’s made a fortune peddling casinos and vice while embracing the LGBTQ movement? Nobody’s perfect.”

“We didn’t elect a pastor. We elected a President.”

“So of course we had to ignore everything the Bible has to say about character, wisdom, wickedness, virtue, vice, truth, judgment, success, and the wrath of God upon unrepentant nations by way of things like wicked leaders.”

“If we took all that stuff too seriously, we’d never have achieved the awesome victory we’re about to celebrate today.”


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