WACO, TX – Robert Wackman, better known as “Captain Moonbeam” of the Texas-based Universal Joy cult, inadvertently dispensed poisoned Kool-Aid at a recent Universal Joy picnic, killing all 53 known active members of the group, according to a video released today on the Universal Joy YouTube channel.
“It is with profound sadness that I must report the recent passing of all other Universal Joy members,” said a visibly disturbed and intensely creepy Captain Moonbeam. “Apparently, I mistook the clearly marked poisoned Kool-Aid container in our Universal Joy compound kitchen for a recently purchased batch of Rockin’ Raspberry.”
Despite being distraught over having to start his cult over from scratch, Wackman seemed optimistic about the future.
“Everyone makes mistakes,” added The Captain. “The important thing is that we learn from those mistakes, and if there’s one thing that we all can take from the accidental mass death of Universal Joy, it’s that proper kitchen organization is very important.”
“I understand that now.”
Like what you see at The End Times? Want to help us pay the bills and keep the Apocalyptic Satire going? If so, please consider dropping a few bucks in the tip jar.
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.