Home Church Local Pastor Builds Church By Keeping The Gospel Nice And Vague

Local Pastor Builds Church By Keeping The Gospel Nice And Vague


CHARLESTON, SC – Local pastor George Rogers has quickly built a once tiny congregation of 12 into into a large and growing group of happy believers united around a warm, gentle, non-confrontational and comfortably vague gospel.

“We preach the Bible here. We preach the gospel,” proclaimed Rogers in his standard opening delivery on Sunday. “We read verse by verse and book by book. We don’t skip over anything. We read it all. And we amen a lot while doing it,” to which the congregation of nearly 200 heartily amened.

“We just don’t worry a lot about applying the personally challenging parts in any kind of detail,” Rogers added. “We simply repeat ‘repent, believe and be saved’ again and again while leaving what that means in detail up to the heart of the hearer and the work of the Holy Spirit.”

“We keep it nice and vague and let God do the heavy lifting.”

“So what have we been called to repent of in our approach to family, marriage, business, economics, art, law, civil government, and children’s education?”

“We don’t know and we don’t really wanna know.”

“That kind of detail is legalistic. Asking exactly what Jesus has called us to repent of is legalistic. Asking what it means to obey Him in detail is legalistic. And we don’t want to be legalistic, so we keep it nice and soft. Nobody’s perfect and everyone’s a sinner. We pretty much like to just leave it at that.”

“We just want to preach the gospel. We just call people to repentance.”

When asked how he could call anyone to repentance without explaining in detail what it was people were to repent of and what it was they were to do in the future in certain areas of life as a part and proof of their true repentance, pastor Rogers shrugged, rolled his eyes, and repeated, “We just don’t go there. We don’t want to drive people away with that sort of legalism. We just want to stick to the nice, warm, comfortable and utterly unchallenging gospel that has allowed us to grow so much so quickly.”

“If we preached a gospel that actually went into detail regarding sin and what God has commanded us to do in specific areas of life like the way we run businesses and educate our children, we’d be right back to 12 members, if that many, in a week or two.”

“Most of our people wouldn’t stand for that kind of gospel, so we’re not about to wreck the good thing we’ve got going here by preaching it to them.”

Help Fuel Apocalyptic Satire

Like what you see at The End Times? Want to help us pay the bills and keep the Apocalyptic Satire going? If so, please consider dropping a few bucks in the tip jar.


You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.