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“My People Perish For Lack Of Unfiltered Emoting”, New Hipster Bible Version Claims


PORTLAND, OR – With The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language having become such a huge hit in a modern American Christian subculture obsessed with emotion and trendiness, and with so many readers yearning for even more self-affirming, truth-mutilating “translations” of Scripture, author Eugene Peterson is set to tickle the ears and warm the hearts of America’s self-obsessed Christian masses with the upcoming release of The Mess Age: A Self-Centered, Emotion-Driven Approach To Whatever.

According to pre-release promotional material for the new book, the primary focus of The Mess Age will be to “correct” the original Bible’s emphasis on the pursuit and application of right knowledge by replacing that knowledge-based approach with a more flexible, accommodating and “contemporarily relevant” path to truth centering on emotions, feelings, and mood swings.

With The Mess Age‘s open focus on displacing biblical knowledge with self-referential feelings and emotions, Christian bookstore managers across the country believe the book will be “pure gold” and are pre-ordering it in massive quantities.

“We really wanted to address and help to lovingly correct that ‘old school’ obsession with knowledge,” noted Peterson during a brief press event to promote The Mess Age alongside a slew of adult coloring books based on imagery taken from the new Bible translation. “The old Bible was all about knowing things, renewing your mind, thinking biblically, testing all things in light of Scripture, yada yada yada.”

“But the new way – The Mess Age way – is all about feelings.”

“It’s all about emotion.”

“It’s all about passion and trusting in your precious little heart – which the ‘old school’ Bible described as “deceitful” and “wicked”, by the way.”

“But in this modern age – this Mess Age, if you will – Christians understand that their hearts are their guides. Modern, relevance-obsessed Christians know that their hearts and their emotions are the things they need to look to for direction in life.”

“And that just happens to be the message of The Mess Age.”

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