WASHINGTON, DC – In what CNN calls “proof positive” that the Russians have been involved in hacking American politics and culture on a massive scale, the network is reporting that Russian President Vladimir Putin personally used “a form of black magic” to control the minds and actions of several members of the Obama administration, effectively tricking them into spying on Donald Trump and several of his associates.
“The sheer audacity of the Russians is both breathtaking and terrifying,” exclaimed CNN correspondent Dweezil Goebbels while weeping hysterically during a two-hour The Russians Are Coming! special aired on CNN this morning. “I mean, to coopt the saintly progressive angels on Team Obama this way is just too disgusting to be real.”
“Except that it is real!”
“Not only is it like totally real, but, since it’s real, it’s also like totally an act of war!” added Goebbels. “Yeah, war!”
“So we can’t be distracted by things like calls for investigations into what may have technically been illegal conduct by our best and brightest. We have to stay focused on the real enemy – an enemy so vile and dangerous that they will stoop to using black magic and mind control to trick our beloved former President into doing stuff.”
“How pathetic and evil is that?!”
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