CUPERTINO, CA – Apple, in careful coordination with and subjugation to the NSA, CIA, FBI, and Sauron, has announced plans to launch the most advanced and intrusive version of its iconic iPhone.
The new phone, dubbed the “All-Seeing EyePhone”, in contrast to previous releases, will replace all previous iPhone incarnations completely. All earlier models will cease production and will no longer be supported by Apple. Prior models will self destruct on EyePhone release day to help encourage upgrades.
Upgrading to the new EyePhone will be mandatory for all existing Apple customers, as per the usually unread user agreement they signed when activating their current iPhone, and will soon be mandatory for all US citizens in accordance with heretofore unnoticed provisions of ObamaCare.
The new All-Seeing EyePhone will feature the latest in privacy obliterating, State-empowering technology, enabling the detailed surveillance of any and all activities anywhere near the new device.
“Surveillance will be persistent and pervasive,” boasted Sauron while towering above Apple CEO Tim Cook and various US government figureheads at a joint news conference held by Apple, the NSA, and the FBI near a Mt. Doom mockup constructed just outside the tech company’s Cupertino headquarters. “And this surveillance will go way beyond phone calls, text messages, and emails, let me tell you!”
“Thanks to the cutting edge, state-of-the-black-art technology packed into these bad boys, there will be constant audio, video, and psychic monitoring of the EyePhone using populace,” boomed the jubilant Dark Lord while wildly swinging his mace, sending Cook and two NSA reps diving for cover. “This surveillance will occur at a depth and on a scale never before even imagined by the KGB, Gestapo or Stasi.”
“The power and control over people that will be given to the American State by way of this technology really is awe-inspiring,” added a suddenly emotional Sauron while raising his non-mace-clutching gauntlet to wipe what appeared to be a tear from his black, soulless eye. “It’s more than I’d ever dreamt could be possible.”
“This is truly a great day for Apple and a great day for America!”
“All hail Apple! All hail America!”, proclaimed the Dark Lord in closing just before leading the assembled crowd in the Pledge of Allegiance.
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.