TULSA, OK – In a stunning discovery sure to increase the already intense speculation and fear-mongering surrounding the 2016 U.S. presidential election, newly unearthed scrolls including the earliest known manuscript of the biblical book of Revelation are reported to actually mention Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton by name.
The manuscript pieces, said to have been found in a cave near Hal Lindsey’s house and subsequently authenticated by Jack Van Impe as being from “the late first century, Central Time”, have already sent shockwaves through the American evangelical community and anyone else reachable by World Net Daily marketing emails.
Iconic prophecy mutilators Lindsey and Van Impe are said to be holed up together somewhere “translating” the documents and have promised to dribble out the results in a forthcoming series of lucrative books and seminars. In the meantime, speculation continues to build as to exactly what the book of Revelation has to say about The Donald and The Hillary.
While few have expressed surprise that Trump and Clinton might well play central roles in an apocalyptic cataclysm of some sort, some have been at least mildly surprised to learn that the presumptive presidential nominees of the two major American political parties are actually mentioned by name in the legendary book of Revelation.
“Aw c’mon now, how surprised can anyone really be?” asked 56-year-old Herb Jameson of Milwaukee in response to Lindsey and Van Impe’s joint Facebook announcement of the discovery. “We already knew that both Clinton and Trump personify the sort of anti-Christian, apocalyptic awfulness that permeates so much of the book of Revelations.”
“I guess the only question left to be answered by discerning American Christian students of the end times like me is: Which anti-Christ will I vote for?”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.