Home Plagues People Should Be “Terrified” By Threat Of “Measles Apocalypse”, Vaccine Companies Warn

People Should Be “Terrified” By Threat Of “Measles Apocalypse”, Vaccine Companies Warn

SHARE

MeaslesApocalypse

ATLANTA, GA- We should all of course be “terrified”, “scared witless”, and “eager to lunge toward any needle purported to be associated with a government certified vaccine” as a result of the spreading Measles outbreak in Arizona, according to a report issued jointly by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and a conglomeration of ginormous vaccine producing companies.

The report, entitled Preventing The Measles Apocalypse, which describes Measles as “a plague of apocalyptic proportions” having “the potential to send humankind itching and scratching itself right off the face of the planet”, was released as part of an ongoing effort by the CDC and giant vaccine peddling mega-corporations to convince Americans that, if they refuse vaccinations, they’re hanging by the proverbial thread and are just one sneeze or contaminated handshake away from a long, drawn-out, painful death.

The report vigorously criticizes those who fail to comply with the “professionally recommended” battery of vaccines that are “so important to civilization” that their manufacturers are protected from normal legal consequences when use of their product “just happens to coincide with” violent seizures, blindness, the onset of serious medical conditions, heart attacks, and/or death.

“Don’t let anyone fool you: Measles kill. Contracting the Measles is a lot like contracting Ebola, so there’s no good reason to wait another second if you haven’t already had a Measles vaccination,” warned CDC Director of Measles Apocalypse Intervention Ivan A. Fiermongre. “Really, if you value your life at all and haven’t for some bizarre, unthinkable reason yet gotten a Measles vaccination, you really need to stop being so selfish, lazy, and stupid, and just go get the vaccine right now.”

“Even if you don’t value your own life, just think of the rest of humanity and go get a shot!”

“Now!”

But not all Americans are buying into the apocalyptic pitch being served up once again by the CDC and various privileged vaccine-pimping mega-corporations.

“Personally, I’m all for the basic concept and science of vaccines. I think the idea makes a lot of sense and can be very good when properly implemented,” noted Brian Phillips, a 43-year-old businessman living in the Dallas area, in a response posted to the CDC’s Facebook announcement of the new report. “But it’s all of the other junk that is included in these vaccines that creeps me out. Aluminum, formaldehyde, mercury…really? Why would I want to inject that stuff directly into my bloodstream?”

“And don’t even get me started on the idiotic myth of ‘herd immunity’…”

“Any way you slice it, life has risks. I understand that by passing on the aluminum, formaldehyde, mercury and such, I’m also missing what might have been by itself a very good thing for me,” added Phillips. “I understand that I’m taking a risk either way.”

“I just think it’s very important to allow people to make their own decisions without all the comical fearmongering, you know?”

“And let’s not forget that in this case we’re talking about the Measles, people!”

“The Measles!”

“The Measles are ‘apocalyptic’?”

“The Measles are ‘terrifying’?”

“Puh-leeeze!”

“When did we become such a fragile, fearful gaggle of easily manipulated pansies around here?”

“Maybe if they come up with a vaccine for fear, I’ll get one…but something tells me that fear is something vaccine companies would never try to eliminate, what with it being their primary marketing tool and all.”


Help Fuel Apocalyptic Satire

Like what you see at The End Times? Want to help us pay the bills and keep the Apocalyptic Satire going? If so, please consider dropping a few bucks in the tip jar.

Thanks!

You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.