HOUSTON, TX – Joel Osteen, legendarily charmed prosperity gospel pitching pastor of Lakewood Mega Mega Church™, has revealed to the world his true identity as a superior, gifted, and “most blessed” being from the far away planet of Krypton.
In a rare Tuesday address via Lakewood’s website and social media channels, Osteen explained that his true name is Jo-El and that he is “a most favored son of Krypton, here to help others find the way to material prosperity, perfect health and a great smile”.
“I just thought it was time to take this next important step,” explained Jo-El in a video featuring him in what appeared to be a suit of deep blue spandex with a Lakewood logo on his chest and a red cape fluttering behind him as he hovered over the front lawn of Lakewood’s main campus. “People need someone to look up to, count on, and trust to show them the way to true health, wealth, and prosperity. They need a super-heroic figure to help them understand that they just need to believe enough to speak their own beautiful, perfectly healthy, and ridiculously wealthy reality into existence.”
“I, Jo-El, am that man.”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.