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Church Optimistic About Its Marketing Of Pessimism

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VIOLA, AR – Through a clever new series of ads and marquee postings, a local Baptist church is hoping to cash in on the apathy, pessimism, and spirit of preemptive surrender that’s come to define American Christianity – and the American culture around it – for generations now.

“Yeah, we just figured, why even try to fake it any more, you know?” asked Viola Fourth Baptist Pastor Bubba Dunn rhetorically while handing out fliers for his church’s upcoming Wing And A Prayer potluck meeting, at which it is promised that subjects like politics and children’s education will not be addressed at all so that “we can just relax and enjoy come chicken along with a nice, cold, generic time of prayer”.

“We believe in victory in Jesus and all…just not in culture, law, politics, science, education, art, government, economics, business, and all o’ that,” Dunn explained. “Our idea of victory in Jesus actually looks a whole lot like hell on earth in every one of those areas, so, practically speaking, we’re not at all surprised that America is falling apart and blowing up around us.”

“Our theology predicted the whole thing a long time ago, so we might as well just be honest and market ourselves accordingly.”

Pastor Dunn noted that since taking this bold new openly pessimistic approach to marketing less than three months ago, attendance has more than tripled and tithes are “way up”.

“People wanna be let off the hook. They wanna know that they have no real power or responsibility to improve art, economics, business, law, politics or any other area of life here and now in the real world, and we want them to know that we’re here to help them become comfortable with that perspective while enjoying life as much as possible as the culture implodes around us.”

“We’re very optimistic about what this message of cultural surrender, hopelessness, and impending doom can do for our church.”

When asked what his church’s approach to culture would do to help or hurt America’s chances of recovery or cultural renewal, Pastor Dunn just sort of stood there for a minute staring off into space with a perplexed look on his face.

“Chance of renewal?”

“What chance?”

“Culture here on earth has no chance.”

“Our gospel guarantees it!”


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