OAKLAND, CA – Darth Vader, legendary lord of the Sith, destroyer of the Jedi, and dark tyrannical figure known for supervising the construction of multiple planet-obliterating Death Stars, was witnessed weeping for joy on Sunday as his beloved Oakland Raiders came from behind in thrilling fashion to defeat the Carolina Panthers and secure their first winning season since 2002.
“I couldn’t be more proud,” shouted a jubilant Vader from the fabled Black Hole endzone of the Oakland Coliseum after All-Pro defensive end Khalil Mack sealed the game with a crushing strip-sack of Panthers quarterback Cam Newton.
“I haven’t been this thrilled since we routed the rebel scum on Hoth,” noted the overjoyed Sith master just before igniting his lightsaber and waving it around in a fit of unrestrained ecstasy, “accidentally” decapitating three nearby Panthers fans.
“Don’t get me wrong, blowing up Alderaan was amazing,” added Vader in a cracking, emotional voice. “But this is on a whole ‘nother level”.
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