PROVO, UT – “Of course I would send American troops into whatever country Israel wanted them to be in,” said Senator Ted Cruz during a campaign stop at a small diner near Provo today. “What Bible believing Christian President wouldn’t?”
“I mean, if the secular modern nation state called Israel is God’s chosen people, as we all know that it is, then how could we sleep soundly as Christian people in Christian America if we didn’t attack, invade, nuke, or obliterate any and all enemies of Israel who are in need of a serious and perhaps thermonuclear beat-down or mass invasion? Why is this even a question?”
Earl Williams, a local construction worker in attendance at the diner event who was visibly shaken by Cruz’s statement, followed-up by asking, “But isn’t that really dangerous, irresponsible, and probably not even remotely biblical?”
A clearly exasperated Cruz responded in a slow, even more serious than normal tone while making a series of weirdly smooth and polished, robot-like hand gestures for some sort of dramatic effect.
“Look, we have to stand with Israel. It’s just that simple. So when they say jump, we should say: Where, how high, and how many carrier battlegroups should we bring?”
“I hope that helps to clarify my position,” Cruz added. “And I hope that I can count on your vote to make me Commander in Chief of the United States military, which, by the way, still claims the power to draft your sons into service should we – or Israel – need them to invade, kill, or destroy any threats to the American Empire or God’s chosen people.”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.