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Captain America “Pretty Sure” Disney Is A Hydra Operation


ORLANDO, FL – Captain America, the first Avenger, is “pretty sure” that Disney is a Hydra operation.

“And by ‘pretty sure’, I mean ‘completely convinced’,” clarified The Captain. “When you take a minute to just stop and notice the consistently culture-warping approach that this company takes to pretty much everything it touches, it’s hard not to see Hydra behind it all.”

“The long trail of child star trainwrecks is another telltale sign of Hydra involvement,” added the man also known as Steve Rogers, who was in a state of frozen hibernation from the ‘mid-1940s until just a few years ago, waking up to the tragic reality of a world significantly shaped by the product of Disney’s now legendary child star disaster assembly line. “I mean, how else do you explain Lindsey Lohan? Britney Spears? Miley Cyrus?! The list goes on and on…”

“This is totally Hydra. Has to be.”

“And don’t get me started on what they’re doing to the Star Wars franchise. Episode VII has to be the laziest, most derivative, knock-off ‘sequel’ ever made,” noted The Captain while making air quote gestures around the word “sequel”.

“It was just Episode IV all over again, and we all know it.”

“This can’t be allowed to continue. Hydra has to be stopped. How many Miley Cyruses or Force Awakens can a culture survive?”

When informed that Hydra Disney had added Marvel Studios to its corporate empire at around the same time he had emerged from icy hibernation and assumed his role leading The Avengers, The Captain tightened his posture, stood tall and stared straight on with eyes squinted in deep focus.

“That’s the last straw. This evil must end…it cannot be allowed to continue,” proclaimed The Captain in a determined tone available only to the most legendary and inspiring of battlefield leaders.

“Hydra and Mickey Mouse must be stopped.”

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