WASHINGTON, DC – In the wake of Ted Cruz’s runaway victory in yesterday’s Wisconsin Primary, the Republican National Committee has announced the hiring of renowned organized crime manager Jabba the Hutt to oversee what is now expected to be a contested GOP convention in Cleveland.
“It is an honor to be selected for such an important role at such an important moment in the history of organized criminal activity,” boomed a giddy Jabba to and through his Hutt-to-English translator. “The criminal organization that is the Republican Party may have been shaken, but it is in safe hands now. Order will be restored and The System will be stabilized, no matter how many rogue delegates have to be…dealt with.”
Republican establishment leaders hailed the hiring of Hutt as a strong move that should both remove all doubt as to exactly what is going on here and strike fear into the hearts of those who would dare to stand against them.
“The hiring of Jabba the Hutt is a powerful statement in and of itself,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus during a press conference featuring a throng of Jabba employed bounty hunters and mercenaries lifted straight out of what Obi-wan Kenobi once referred to as “a wretched hive of scum and villainy”.
“Jabba is the perfect fit for the GOP and the perfect manager for the 2016 Republican Party Convention.”
“May God bless America and may God bless Jabba the Hutt!”
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