INDIANAPOLIS, IN – In the latest, greatest battle for the hearts, minds and votes of biblically illiterate American Christians, Donald Trump handily throttled rival Ted Cruz in Tuesday’s Indiana Republican Primary, sweeping nearly every demographic by a wide margin, including the critical Christian evangelical vote.
“I love the evangelicals and the evangelicals love me,” boasted Trump Tuesday night from a packed Indianapolis celebration rally as the Scores strip club operating in the Trump Taj Mahal Casino continued to bring in the cash from hundreds of miles away. “I respect the evangelicals as much as I respect women, and I will use them both in any way necessary to win.”
“And make no mistake, I know all about winning. I’m a winner. I will make America a great big casino- and stripper-fueled winner again – like me!”
When asked how he’s been able to secure the evangelical vote over the likes of Ted Cruz even in much of America’s heartland and ‘Bible Belt’, Trump responded, “American evangelicals know how to keep their religion in its place. They know that Christianity is a personal thing for personal time or church time or prayer time or whatever. They know that when it comes to doing things here and now in the real world, we need to do whatever it takes to win. We can’t let our Bibles hold us back. They know that when it comes to business, government, education, law, and economics, you can’t look to Christianity for the answers.”
“You have to look to real world winners like me.”
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