DALLAS, TX – With Donald Trump’s obliteration of Ted Cruz in the Indiana Primary on Tuesday, millions of confused, prophetically challenged and eschatologically unhinged American evangelicals are once again confusing the likely end of America with the end of the world.
“Surely the end is near!” screeched a terrified 75-year-old Mable Hazelwood, longtime member of Mesquite Second Baptist who has been doing nothing significant to reconcile the culture to Christ through the Gospel while waiting for the rapture since she first read a Hal Lindsey book in the early ’80s. “America is doomed! Which of course means that the world is doomed, since America is the best part of the world and the world could never ever survive without America!”
“Who can deny that the end is near now?” echoed 68-year-old long time Jack Van Impe supporter and fellow Hal Lindsey disciple Clarence Sanford. “Things can only get worse and worse, which, in a way, is kind of a good thing, because that means Jesus will get here that much quicker. So bring on the cultural decay and darkness!”
In typical self-absorbed, biblically illiterate American Christian fashion, evangelicals across the land have seized upon the election of Donald Trump as validation for their lazy preemptive surrender of the culture and proof that the end of America, and therefore the world, is near. Just like in 2012 when Obama was re-elected. And in 2008 when Obama was elected. And in 2001 when the World Trade Center was attacked. And in 1996 when Bill Clinton was re-elected. And in 1992 when Bill Clinton was elected.
But not all Christians in America are buying into the gloom and doom pessimism of “the end is near” crowd.
“If Christians would actually spend more time reading and less time thumping their Bibles, they might notice things like the Great Commission and the inevitable, comprehensive, long-term victory and reconciliation of all things described in places like Colossians 1:15-20,” noted not-frightened, calm and confident Robert Jameson, a 32-year-old elder at Grace Baptist, a small Reformed church in Plano. “If Americans could just step back from America as the filter through which they see everything, they might notice that over 2,000 years of New Testament church history, the Gospel-fueled Great Commission has advanced dramatically and radically improved life for billions.”
“Just like the Bible said it would.”
“Just because America has long abandoned the victorious Gospel and Great Commission centered worldview of the Pilgrims and Puritans that came over here doesn’t mean that the Gospel and Great Commission won’t continue to advance in spite of America’s pride and rejection,” added a not even remotely rattled Jameson. “Even if America ceases to be.”
“God doesn’t need America. Never has and never will.”
“America needs God. America needs to submit to Christ in practice.”
“Just like everyone else.”
“And when a spirit of submission is granted by the grace of God to people, they can’t help but make the things they say, think, do and build more and more Christ-honoring and good. Their homes, churches, communities, culture and civilization cannot help but benefit from this sanctification. As every thought is taken captive to Christ in accordance with 2 Corinthians 10:5, every action – including every political, economic, legal and governmental action – will be taken captive to Him, and as that process continues, those areas of life cannot help but be improved. That’s what the true Gospel and Great Commission does to a culture through God’s Spirit-filled people, all by God’s grace and all for His glory.”
“See how completely weird that even sounds these days in America? See how bizarre the victorious eschatology that inspired the Pilgrims and Puritans to come here in the first place sounds to modern American ears?”
“THAT’S why Donald Trump just won the evangelical vote in Indiana.”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.