Home Church Church Hipster “Horrified” To Hear That His Precious Little Heart And Emotions...

Church Hipster “Horrified” To Hear That His Precious Little Heart And Emotions Aren’t The Center Of The Universe


SPRING HILL, TN – Local emotion-driven, depth-feigning church hipster Brad Gurley was “horrified” when informed that his precious little heart and emotions aren’t the center of the universe.

According to reports from several moderately close Gurley friends who couldn’t run away in time to avoid hearing him vent and whine about the “terrible”, “judgmental”, and “downright mean” basic biblical doctrines to which he’d recently been exposed, Gurley felt “violated” at even the suggestion that his heart and emotions were neither the gold standard for spirituality nor the lenses through which life should be understood.

“How jerky and arrogant do you have to be to assume that anyone’s heart is ‘deceitful above all things’ and ‘desperately wicked’ when you don’t even know them?” asked a clearly shaken and emotional Gurley during a five minute rant in which he rehashed a recent encounter with someone who had actually read and understood the Bible. “I mean, what could be more pure and good than the human heart and human emotions?”

“Especially mine!”

While the unexpected encounter with a biblically literate Christian had begun well, the conversation “came off the rails” when the Christian dared suggest that Gurley needed to submit his heart, emotions, and everything else to critical examination under the light of God’s nature as revealed in His perfect, sufficient Word.

“That’s when I knew it was time to walk away,” Gurley noted in as serious a tone as he could muster between sobs and whimpers. “Any so-called ‘Christian’ telling me that my heart and my emotions might actually be leading me away from God doesn’t know about the Jesus I invited to live in my heart as Savior on my terms but never as Lord on His, lemme tellya!”

“Or maybe they do…”

Help Fuel Apocalyptic Satire

Like what you see at The End Times? Want to help us pay the bills and keep the Apocalyptic Satire going? If so, please consider dropping a few bucks in the tip jar.


You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.