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If Jesus Had Just Preached A Nicer Gospel, He Could Have Totally Avoided Crucifixion, Report Confirms


CAMBRIDGE, MA – If Jesus had just preached a nicer, less demanding gospel, He would have definitely avoided crucifixion and probably lived a very long, happy, Joel Osteeny life, according to a recently released report written by a several well known relevant, seeker-sensitive church leaders working alongside a handful of “highly educated” and excessively credentialed “experts” in theology, who disagree on many things but share a contempt for the lordship of Christ over every area of life and culture right here and now.

“Look, people want Jesus,” explained Andy Stanley of North Point Community Megachurch, one of 6 co-authors who participated in a Harvard sponsored roundtable discussion of points made in the report. “They just want Him on their terms.”

“They want a Jesus who saves them from the consequences of sin without actually requiring them to repent and turn away from sin.”

“Isn’t that the American way?”

“And we are in America, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, we are, so let’s be real and understand that His ways won’t work anymore in the real world. And, to be honest, they didn’t really work that well for Him back then either, did they?”

“He was practically begging to be killed with that everything-touching lordship and all-encompassing Gospel of His.”

“I mean, when Jesus says things like ‘If you love your own Mom or even your own kids more than me, you are not worthy of me’ while also telling people to take up their cross and follow Him, a concept that those listening would have clearly understood to mean surrendering everything and being willing to follow Him even unto a literal, gruesome, painful and humiliating death, well…that’s just not gonna fly.”

“That’s not very marketable at all.”

“So for those wondering how they might advance a more marketable gospel and build giant, financially viable megachurches and ginormo-ministries by attracting millions of proud, unrepentant Americans who just want to live and let live, it’s very important not to fall into this trap of commanding people to repent and submit to Christ as King in practice and in detail.”

“That kind of Christianity makes people very angry.”

“And the last thing we want to do is make people angry.”

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