WASHINGTON, DC – In a grand, pageantry-filled display of Orwellian Statism that would’ve made Chairman Mao or Joseph Stalin weep with envy, Hillary Clinton was formally absolved by the American State of all past and future crimes against humanity, particularly the many large segments of humanity that she intensely despises and routinely tramples.
FBI Director James Comey moderated the event and addressed a cheering crowd of elites gathered in the Capitol from the worlds of art, media, finance and politics, culminating in his pronouncement of Mrs. Clinton as “totally absolved of all crimes that she may have or may ever commit in any time, place, or context” before presenting the now officially lawless Hillary with a newly minted Big Brother Award Of Perpetual Immunity. The large, gaudy medallion, rumored to have been forged in Mount Doom by Sauron himself, immediately caused Mrs. Clinton’s body to glow in a soft red hue while exhuding an aura of even more palpable evil and debauchery than usual.
“I cannot thank you enough for this award, Director Comey,” Hillary cackled in what sounded a lot like the voice of Legion from The Exorcist as her new demonic aura expanded to envelop the Director and a nearby aide in a thick red fog. “It’s such an honor and relief to finally, fully, and officially have no concern whatsoever for any law that applies to the little people I aim to rule over and enslave.”
“I can feel the unlimited power flowing through my cold, icy veins,” Clinton added while holding her arms up triumphantly. “Nobody can stand against me now! Not legally anyway, at least as we define things like law in America.”
“So let’s bring on the progress!”
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