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Local Church Celebrates Resumption Of Satanic Child Education System


PLANO, TX – A local Nazarene church has joined with Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, and Lutheran churches across the country in celebrating the resumption of government managed anti-Christian children’s education.

“Frankly, as far as we’re concerned, it can’t get here fast enough,” explained Pastor Ben Arnold to anxious, frazzled parents gathered around his seat during Sunday’s after-service potluck meal. “When public school starts every year, we are being presented with yet another great opportunity to use our unsaved, vulnerable, malleable, impressionable, theologically unskilled and philosophically unsophisticated 5-, 6-, 7-, and 8-year olds as foot soldiers on the front lines of the culture wars, working as salt and light to convert the adult teachers and staff of a system built upon a satanic approach to the pursuit of knowledge as first presented by the serpent himself in Genesis 3.”

“What an opportunity!”

“And not just to get more ‘me time’ while the kiddos are shoveled off for eight hours a day into the belly of an anti-Christ system charged with shaping their precious little hearts and minds into a State-worshipping, anti-Christian mold. Oh no, the opportunities presented by public school kicking into gear again go way beyond more golf time, more shopping time, and more time to spend on our all-important professional careers.”

“We also have the opportunity to make yet another year of progress in sanctifying the satanic system of children’s education by feeding our little babies into its mouth as salt and light ambassadors of Christianity.”

“Our kindergarteners and first and second graders have been prepped for front line culture war combat with a full week of Vacation Bible School and weekly installments of Bible story telling time in Sunday School, so they’re obviously ready to roll,” added Pastor Arnold. “With the Christian worldview depth and maturity exhibited by countless Noah’s Ark themed macaroni art projects and the repeated singing of simple, jingoistic Christian songs, the State-managed system of satanic mind-sculpting won’t know what hit it when our kids get there!”

After reassuring the parents and children under his shepherding care, Pastor Arnold gave a preview of next week’s sermon, which will center on “the horrors of American culture and how each generation of Americans seems to be more anti-Christian than the last”.

“It’s hard to believe what’s going on in the culture these days, especially in the public schools, despite the fact that we literally dump millions of Christian children down its throat to be salt and light year after year after year,” Pastor Arnold explained. “Yet, inexplicably, Christian children seem to be getting more and more pagan, more and more gay, and more and more satanically progressive with each passing generation, no matter how many awesome potlucks and VBS programs we provide to help prepare them for battle.”

“It’s all just so very sad.”

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