NEW YORK, NY – Much to the relief of millions of eager-to-be-distracted Americans, the National Football League has once again resumed its seasonal provision of unmatched entertainment and diversion from the implosion of American culture and Western civilization.
“I’m just so glad that it’s finally here,” exclaimed Herb Lemming, an unemployed 38-year-old former factory worker and lifelong Lions fan, while slathering his morbidly obese body with silver and blue paint during a pregame ritual that he’s religiously practiced each and every Sunday since he was 12. “It’s such a relief to have the NFL and the Lions back for the next few months. The offseason nearly killed me, as it always does, but now that preseason football is finally here, I feel like I’m alive again!”
When asked to share his thoughts on the current state of politics, law, education, art, family, privacy, justice, or liberty in America, Lemming just sort of stood there staring blankly while rubbing more blue paint on his gigantic exposed gut.
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