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Apple Contractor Improves Factory Suicide Nets To “Help Employees Bounce Back To Work”


LONGHUA TOWN, SHENZHEN, CHINA – One of China’s largest iPhone producing facilities is responding to the skyrocketing suicide rate of increasingly distraught, despair-gripped employees by constructing a protective layer of “safe and comfortable” nets around the many massive buildings in its city-sized manufacturing complex.

The Longhua Town facility alone boasts between 250,000 and 300,000 often profoundly depressed workers, depending on how many employees commit suicide on any given day.

“Yeah, the turnover rate here is kind of high,” explained Factory Manager Ivan Drago. “So we’ve decided to help our frequently suicidal workers bounce back.”


“While for years many have sought the quick and easy solution of suicide by jumping out of the higher floors in our many gigantic, hope-crushing, dehumanizing factories, now there is no escape. It is our goal to help employees realize that the sweet release of death is unavailable to them, so they might as well accept their fate and commit themselves to being the good, productive drones that we all expect them to be.”

“Those iPhone 8’s aren’t going to build themselves, you know.”

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