LONDON, ENGLAND – Citing inability of the average public school educated citizen to properly handle pointy plastic tableware, London mayor Sadiq Khan announced that plastic sporks have been banned from all unlicensed public use.
The spork ban will be accompanied by the immediate implementation of random police searches and frisking so that the streets of London can be “kept safe from the terrifying threat of pointy plastic things in the hands of untrained, unlicensed professionals or, even worse, hardened spork-wielding criminals”, according to a press release from the Mayor’s office.
“Obviously the average citizen cannot be expected to handle such a dangerous, potentially life-threatening device,” explained Mayor Khan in the release. “Without proper government training and licensing for spork use, there’s just no excuse for anyone to be out there on the streets of London with a spork.”
“Londoners will be far better for our removal of this pressing threat.”
The Mayor’s press release did not address rumors that tooth picks and popsicle sticks are next up on the government’s To Ban list.
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