INDIANAPOLIS, IN – With Donald Trump’s merciless beatdown of Ted Cruz in yesterday’s Indiana Republican Primary, millions of crushed Cruz-supporting Republican diehards across the land have begun the long, painful process of rationalizing their inevitable Trump for President vote in the November general election.
“I just can’t believe it’s come to this,” wailed a weepy Anthony Collins, 39, of Louisville, KY, an IT programmer and self-described conservative Christian activist who helped canvass Indiana for the Cruz campaign in the weeks leading up to yesterday’s crushing defeat. “For Trump to win so big with pretty much every category of voter – including evangelicals – in a heartland state like Indiana, it just doesn’t add up! How can Christians possibly consider voting for a man like Donald Trump for President?”
“But then again,” added Collins without missing a beat, “now that Trump is going to be the Republican nominee, I guess American Christians are going to have to once again suck it up, hold their noses, and vote for the lesser evil to rule over our land. I hate even thinking this way, but what else can we do?”
“We have to choose from the options that our Corporate-owned American system provides, after all. And in that context it sure is starting to look like 2016 is the year of the biblically illiterate, casino owning, strip clib promoting, regularly wife-upgrading, openly unrepentant adulterer.”
“I mean, we as Christians have to keep choosing the lesser evil to lead us, even when the lesser evil is really, really, really evil, right? Isn’t that the American way? And if it’s the American way, it has to be good, right?” Collins clarified as a glazed look came over him and he slipped into some sort of propaganda-induced auto-pilot mode.
“If American Christians can’t be counted on to do the right thing, then America is surely doomed.”
“So while I may be casting a vote for Trump in November, I will also be praying for God to deliver America from the wicked leadership that Donald Trump so completely personifies.”
“Yeah, that makes perfect sense.”
You can also get a detailed look into what we’re doing and why we’re doing it by reading Mocking The Prophets Of Baal: The Beauty And Power Of Christian Satire (And Why So Many People Hate It) over at FireBreathingChristian.com.