SPRINGFIELD, MO – From Dixie to Detroit and from Miami to Sin City, America is being overrun by sprawling swarms of loud, proud, vulgarity spewing locusts.
Since first emerging in mid-June of last year, the hordes of foul-mouthed, venom-spitting creatures have grown in size at an alarming rate, leading many to wonder if they are destined to devour and destroy what little is left of American civilization.
“At the rate they’re multiplying, there isn’t gonna be anything left for ’em to chew on or complain about by this time next year,” warned Mayor Eddie Fulton of Republic, Missouri.
Often accompanied by cringe-inducing high pitched, mass coordinated cricket-like chirps of “Make America great again!”, “Absolutely Amazing!” and “I’m a winner!”, the clouds of darkness formed by these plague-bearing anger bugs have grown increasingly thick over America.
“The noise these things make is more than a little creepy,” said Robert Walker, a shoe store manager in Springfield’s Battlefield Mall. “Sometimes it feels like they really are going to take over the country. When they chant their little slogans all together without seeming to have any idea or care as to what the words actually mean in any kind of detail, yeah…it’s kinda scary.”
“It ain’t lookin’ good,” added Ozark County resident Andy Grayson. “It’s like the judgment or wrath of God upon America or something, but in the form of angry little cursing bugs.”
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