ALPHARETTA, GA – In an effort to purge the land of comparatively small, unmarketable, Bible-centered, seeker-insensitive churches and bring more people in line with the American megachurch mindset of building a church around the mass accumulation of unbelievers in a congregation, Andy Stanley, head pastor of North Point Community megachurch, has assembled and is promising to soon unleash a mob of megachurch fanatics equipped with pitchforks, torches, and a variety of business, psychology, and marketing degrees.
The group is tentatively slated to begin its mission of actively pillaging and purifying the land starting next Sunday right after North Point’s normally scheduled fourth service of the day, which painstakingly coddles and caters to the world in nearly every way imaginable.
“We just can’t let these insolent, unmarketable little churches continue as they are,” announced Stanley to roaring applause at a midnight pep rally for North Point megachurch mob members. “We can’t let these backwards, unenlightened, program-deficient groups go on neglecting their communities. We must help them to see the necessity of appealing to the world on the world’s terms. We must help them to understand that attracting as many unbelievers into a church congregation is not something to be avoided, but something to be embraced!”
“And those churches who will not embrace this world cuddling approach to church marketing and business building…well..,” Stanley said just before thrusting his torch high into the night sky, eliciting roars of support from the assembled mass of megachurch fanatics.
“We’ll just have to fix that little church problem, won’t we?”
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