Home Eschatology Jack Van Impe Tries Viewer Hypnosis To Halt Decline In Ratings

Jack Van Impe Tries Viewer Hypnosis To Halt Decline In Ratings


ROCHESTER HILLS, MI – In the wake of steep and steady ratings declines for his long running syndicated television program, famed doomsday predictor and pin-the-tail-on-the-Antichrist player Jack Van Impe has resorted to viewer hypnosis in order to stop the ratings skid and stabilize his ministry’s flagship product.

“Sure, I’ve strongly implied, if not outright predicted, that the end of the age was upon us any number of times throughout the past several decades, and yes, I have indeed strongly implied, if not outright claimed, that various prominent cultural and political figures were indeed the Antichrist predicted in Scripture,” admitted Van Impe with a laugh during a new promo spot for his revamped program before shifting gears into a focused, monotone delivery accompanied by a piercing, unblinking gaze and Jedi mind trick style hand gestures, “the bottom line is that you will watch Jack Van Impe Presents. You will never stop watching Jack Van Impe Presents. You will regularly tune into Jack Van Impe presents whenever possible, and you will TiVo or DVR Jack Van Impe Presents when you can’t watch it at its normally broadcast time.”

Jack Van Impe Presents…Jack Van Impe Presents…Jack Van Impe Presents…”

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