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Evangelicals Reveal Plan To “Finish Off The Culture So Jesus Has To Come Back Immediately”


DALLAS, TX – After generations of enabling, encouraging and promoting excruciatingly anti-Christian approaches to everything from politics, business and law to children’s education, warfare, and religious liberty, American evangelical leaders have finally released a formal plan to finish leading the culture to hell so that “Jesus is forced to return immediately” in accordance with the rapture-fueled escapism and preemptive cultural surrender that has come to define American religion over the past 150 years.

Citing everything from the ongoing promotion of horrible, soulless, culture-euthanizing art, literature and music “in Jesus’ name” to the modern Evangelical obsession with supporting overtly anti-Christian politicians to “make America great again”, the report presented a multifaceted plan for ratcheting up the rate of decline of American culture and Western civilization so that “Jesus might come even more quickly than originally planned”.

“Why else would evangelicals support the things they do, if not to force Jesus to come that much quicker?” asked Dr. Terence T. Darby, one of the credentialed seminarians who helped to craft the plan. “Scripture obviously tells us quite plainly that God despises and will not tolerate our current American approaches to children’s education, business, war, politics, law, and pretty much everything else. With that being the case, the best chance we have to force Jesus to rapture Christians out of this imploding hellhole of a culture is to keep the pedal to the metal and finish running this baby into the ground!”

The American Evangelical Plan For Cultural Obliteration centers on encouraging Christians to continue sending their children to State-run public schools while looking to the American State as the one true and indispensable source for freedom, liberty, privacy, peace, and security, all while dutifully voting for Donald Trump in November and attacking anyone who will not as being “part of the problem” and “a default supporter of Hillary Clinton”.

“We are confident that this plan will lead the culture into such a deep, dark pit of despair and destruction that the Lord will simply have to return to rapture us outta here!” the report concluded.

“Come quickly, Lord!”

“Save us from the consequences of our complete abandonment of your Great Commission…which we all know can never work in the real world anyway.”

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