NEW YORK, NEW YORK – In a desperate attempt to appease President Trump and the millions of Americans he’s inspired to push for compulsory adoration of the U.S. flag, the National Football League (NFL) has agreed to brand the foreheads of all players deemed unpatriotic with the letters S, O, and B.
The S.O.B. designation is a reference to comments made by Trump in a recent speech, in which he fantasized that an NFL owner would, upon seeing a player act in an unpatriotic manner, “Tell That S.O.B. He’s Fired!”
While the initial response to Trump’s S.O.B. comment were almost universally negative, with ratings for NFL games having dropped substantially since the controversy erupted, the league is now suddenly open to any suggestions that the President has to offer.
“If branding the foreheads of unpatriotic players with giant scarlet letters is what does the trick, then that’s exactly what we’ll do,” explained Dweezil Succup, the NFL’s Director of Sport-State Relations. “If the Dear Leader and his followers want to brand all dissent as unpatriotic and evil, then who are we to stand in the way?”
“God bless America!”
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