WASHINGTON, DC – Conservative activists are petitioning Congress to do “whatever it takes” to “clean up” the history of The Pledge of Allegiance so that the Socialist origin and purpose of The Pledge can be “kept out of the way” of modern conservative narratives aimed at promoting The Pledge as pretty much the opposite of what it actually is.
“We just can’t have the good people of America being bothered by things like facts where our beloved Pledge is concerned,” said Barney Grumble, President of the Blind Adoration of America Army (BAAA), a conservative grassroots organization founded to discredit or dispose of any facts that might prevent the average American from blindly worshipping the American State. “Who cares if The Pledge was written by a Socialist to promote Socialism in America through State-controlled public schools? Not me!”
“And you shouldn’t care either!”
The U.S. Department of Education has heartily embraced the fact-dismissing approach advocated by BAAA.
“Look, the last thing we need is Americans wondering about whether or not The Pledge was actually written by a Socialist as a tool to promote Socialism. We don’t even want questions like that to enter their precious little minds,” explained Dr. Elsa Mindbender, head of the U.S. Department of Education’s History Adjustment Unit. “The fact that The Pledge was written by a devout Socialist for the purpose of promoting Socialism through State-run schools is immaterial. And why is it immaterial? Because we say so, that’s why.”
“And also because that’s exactly what Americans – especially conservative Americans – want to hear.”
Many right-leaning Republicans in Washington DC enthusiastically agreed with Dr. Mindbender’s assessment.
“Look, we don’t want people thinking about The Pledge. We just want them repeating it again and again with as little thought as possible given to it’s Socialist origin and purpose,” noted Iowa Republican Senator Irma Rino. “We can’t have people asking stupid, pointless, and potentially dangerous questions like ‘Would the Founding Fathers have ever even considered taking The Pledge?’ when we know that answers to those kinds of questions would only serve to undermine the giant web of Socialist systems we’ve worked so hard to build in America over the last 100 years or so.”
“So I say, heck yeah! Let’s rip out whatever history needs to be ditched where The Pledge is concerned and flush it right on down the memory hole, 1984 style!”
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